Healing and self love journey
For as long as I can remember ... I have hated my body ... I have always wanted to change my figure ... to be leaner.. to be more muscular .. and the list goes on.. SO. I did not ever think that doing my own boudoir session would be what I needed.... but here I am going to show and tell you a quick story on healing and my own self love journey.
You see... I'm a boudoir photographer that doesn't like his own photos ...
and with that I feel like I am a fraud ... So, i finally put away all excuses .. put away all reasons to not and just decided to do it.
why would it be a big deal?
you see.. I really do hate my own photos 99% of the time and takes me a ton of tries to get the right photos .. but I had to step out of my comfort zone that I ask all of the ladies I empower through their portraits to do... and so. here it is.. myself. an overweight dad that needs a hair trim ...
what did i hope to get?
what I got was more than expected, but what did I hope to get ? meh... maybe a few photos to share with my wife but also with the ladies I want to show that we all are worthy. that we all are beautiful.
What happened?
I damn near had a panic attack ... well, I think I did actually. towards the end, but really even before ...
now, ive been doing photography for 12 years now and I know I get nervous before each session and all, but this one was filling my anxiety cup to the point of spillage. Then, starting to set up and get the camera going and a few shots taken, my wife walked in. ... record scratch, ... heart drop ...
but, then I decided to let her assist and also have her help me in my journey ...
from some music on and incorporating my guitars and bourbon I wanted to let go of tension and so many years of hearing and seeing my own weight ...
for the next half hour or so I assisted my wife, Jenny in helping take my photos ... in such a vulnerable state.
one of the things I learned the most ... especially as a boudoir photographer is that communication is key and needed.
No wonder I talk so much and during a session and how the ladies I photograph say that helps... As I was scared, as jenny had so much to worry about with holding the camera and more .. where I really thrusted her into being a photographer and almost in a way expecting my expertise in these photos ....
BUT I HAD TO LET GO.....
throughout the entire session i felt a sense of pride... but also a sense of am I doing this right? am I sexy? am I something someone wants to look at? but again.. I had to let go ... and with that I began to just be ... and try to make the best of it .
boudoir is for every body... and everybody.
I am not lean... I am not chiseled ... and I was NOT going to do one of those boudoir sessions you see where the chubby guy is just making fun and literally in a way making fun of boudoir. to me .. Boudoir is not about the lingerie or anything.. but the healing that can come .. the weight of sooo much in life being taken off
Boudoir is about celebrating yourself.
Boudoir is about having fun.
Boudoir is about intimate portraits and usually involves little to sometimes no clothing, and ... wow.. this is where it got scary ..
i felt anxiety about to come out of my throat and I actually had to stop for a few ...
but then, I got myself together and pushed through
I did my own, well with the help of my wife, my own boudoir session and it was scary but I am glad that I did it.
I messaged a few ladies and went back and forth on posting or not, but .. then... then, the ladies empowered me through their words and their acceptance .. and so here i am ...
I am here .. in the shoes of so many ladies I photograph and here I am ...
a few repeat images but ... this is me. be nice.
